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Post by Neko on Feb 24, 2009 15:32:58 GMT -6
Alright I have a few things I've been holding in for awhile. Not all of them are good and recently I think they might have ruined my love for rpging in general... A few of them are bad habits I have, which for all the people I role play with cannot do anything to help but I think I need to tell you all because you are one of the more important people in my rping history... Lets start with the worst of the things and work backwards... To everyone I apologize. First I would like to say I'm a very strange person when it comes to picking out the people I hang out with on websites, rpging sites included. I have strange quirks and habits. A few of these include...
•I tend to pick one person and idolize them, feeling bad when they do and try to help them cheer up at all costs even if I end up running myself ragged. My therapist told me this is bad but I still can't shake the feeling. Here that would be Ice, I find it really cool that she can go to work, go to her classes, deal with her family and all off medication people tell her she needs. Not to mention she is one of the most intelligent and mature people I've rped with...
•This idolization leads into the next problem, like my OCD if I see two things touching unless I'm alright with the contaminated item touching something pure I will freak out, in a way this happens here only from communication. This would be Ice, Yuri, and Abel. I'm fine with Ice talking with Yuri because Yuri is older then me, such a kind person, and she has known Ice longer. however and this is where I feel like a total bitch, I feel rather jealous when anyone else talks to Ice that include Abel especially because she rivals me if not is greater in making Skins, Graphics, and rping in general. Plus living wise she understand Ice more then me, I love horses but never owned one or ridden one so when you two talk about it I feel left out and rather invisible and because I'm not all that bold when I get like this I tend to just be silent and get more and more jealous.
•That continues into the fact I like pleasing people. Its a bad cycle I have, so when someone tries to please the person I idolize or take them away by talking about something I can't join in on I feel jealous and try to compete without meaning to. So when anyone talks about things I can't relate to but Ice can I feel really jealous and at the same time feel really bad seeing I have no reason to be jealous...
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For this I don't want to name names because that would be targeting people. I already kinda of named names and for that I'm sorry. My therapist told me to type this up because its been effecting me out of rpgs and into school. I'm sorry for being such an horrible person. I know I may act pleasant and really nice but I seem to be a really bad person underneath all that 'nice'. I been trying to hold it in so no one would get hurt but it just isn't working. In fact its making my jealousy worse.
I'm probably going to end up leaving because I can't seem to get over this feeling. I've been really depressed over other things and its been effecting rpg sites I've been going to. So to keep from hurting anyones feeling in this time of problematic emotions. Feel free to thing of me as a bitch, ass, another name or a horrible person because at this time I agree with you totally. I apologize to everyone for being such a problem. I'll stop by to give you stories I've made, I can at least do that to repay you for putting up with me. I can understand if you don't want that anymore either however. However once again I apologize.
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