Need a Laugh?

[Graebelle]

Okay, I feel like sharing some funny stuff, so if anyone else has anything funny, please feel free to add it. ^^ This stuff is great.

This was an email I got a while ago that has made me laugh every time I go back to read it. I love it.

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer At Passing Cars See If They Slow Down

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom Dont Disguise Your Voice

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something Ask If They Want Fries with
that

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In"

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions Switch to Espresso

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy"

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible Skip Rather Than Walk

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go"

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All
Day

15. Five Days In Advance Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name: Rock Bottom

17. When The Money Comes Out The Automated Teller Machine Scream "I Won!, I
Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo Start Running Towards The Parking lot Yelling "Run
For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have
To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile

It's Called Therapy

[abby]

Throw skittles at people passing by and say, "Taste the Rainbow!" each time. xDD

[/size]

[fatgoth]

Okies, I read this "email" a while ago. But I don't know where so I can't copy it. Let's see if I still can re-"create" it.


An older couple (husband and wife) wanted to repeat their honeymoon. The husband chose the hotel they had chosen 15 years ago. But there were problems with the planes. So the husband had t fly alone, the wife flying the next day.

In the hotel, everything was prepared. The husband then found a computer in the room. Then, he switched it on and wrote an email to his beloved wife.
But what he didn't know - he left out a letter.

The email arrived at a widow. The widow had just returned from her husband's furneral. She collapsed...

Her son ran into the room and saw the screen with the Email. It said:


Dear, my love
I've arrived. And we are allowed to write letters and emails to your beloved ones! But I hope your arrival isn't as spectacular as mine. Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS: It is freaking hot down here!








Yap. So, please take care of correct email adresses XD

[Neko]

You forgot what I do to keep my healthy amount of insanity...

Go into a crowded room while drinking Sunny D and in a shocked voice scream I CAN TASTE THE SUN!

But I digress I totally would do numbers
1. (Me and my dad have tried. We actually stole a police officers trap station.)
3. (Psh I do that all the time expecially when I am being extra sarcastic)
4. (Did it to a desk at school)
5. Done it tot he teachers at school... Heh you should do Weed too... Funny watching teachers freak out that the blackboard can actually write words when you have chalk)
7. (Did that during a convention... It wasn't as funny as I thought it would be.)
10. (Done it by accident...)
11. (I always scream it over my mothers shoulders)
12. (Done it)
14. (I want to do it, when I start working at an office I will)
17. (Already done it... 3 times once in a crowded bank)
18. (Already done it xD)

[Graebelle]

Something else that I'd gotten in an email that was hilarious. ^^ Sharing is fun.

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs, ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.

She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.


WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.


THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine--which I sank.


FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a vasectomy.

[fatgoth]

lol!
Hilarious!

I have to copy that for my English Teacher. *Smiles*
Okies, now I'll tell you some things I had done - Hold you tight.

My mother and I were preparing ourselves for going to bed. Suddenly, she "lost" some air. I said "That was your statement!" We both ended up laughing.

One day, I was at the scouts. We were waiting for the headscouts. One of the others placed his bike in the wind. It fell down and I said: "Rather windy, I think, but not very dusty, I believe." (German: Ziemlich windig, find' ich, aber nicht sehr staubig, glaub' ich.) We all laughed.

Well... Then, one of my friends and me spend a day with a man (26 years old ...). (Of course nothing for little FatGoths!) My friend and I tickled him. He was lying on a bench, my friend was sitting on his hips. And then, I tickled his lower stomach. He squirmed - I said: "There's a reaction down!" (No wonder, a girl is sitting on his hips XD)

Or when it rains at school - I just say "It's raining men ..."

If these things are not funny - Then you should remember your own "funniest situations".

[Neko]

DUDE DUDE DUDE I SING THAT ALL THE TIME... Sadly its at the top of my lungs and normally during class.
Lmao the tickling thing is hilarious to me for some reason. Probably because its happened to me and a friend too so I can picture it.
I think your totally right. It may not seem funny to other people but as long as it makes you laugh that's important xD
Nothing like a good therapy thread.

Here is a story
I was sitting in class now I don't know much German but I totally knew what this kid was saying. It took me a moment to get what was happening. These two kids were pestering a boy from Germany to teach them some German so he finally gives in an says "Ich mag Männer und lebend in einem Unterseeboot" He tells them its means I am a good student, I secretly hate school." So all though the day these two boys say this phase. Horribly mispronounced by the way... The German boy tells everyone else what it means...
"I like men and live in a submarine"
Never pester a native speaking citizen to tell you how to say something without proof... It will cause you problems.

[fatgoth]

lol.

Funny, but the German sentence is "Ich mag Männer und lebe in einem U-Boot."
("lebend" is an adjective, "lebe" is the verb form for "ich". And we usually say "U-boot", not "Unterseeboot". XDDD)



I know another funny situation.

In my school, you have Chemistry as a single subject. To get to the chemistry room, you have to walk through a long hall. At the end, there is a gate. Behind that, there is the chemistry room.
I enter the "gate" (It once was a door, but that door is missing). Then, I turn around the corner and lean against the wall.
Then, the other pupils come to the chemistry room. But one of my classmates always gets scared when she sees me in that corner! XD

Scary movie, I say XD

[Neko]

I'm not German so I probably screwed it up xD
and for the story that's funny that is something I would do.
I for some reason love scaring people.

[1<3[)r@I<3]

This ones simple. All you have to do is wait till a couple of us on the staff don't feel so good. You'll end up rofl when we try to talk to each other through the medicine.


Or you could just listen to 'A Boy Named Sue' by Johnny Cash.

[abby]

Lol, my friend and I went to Walmart, and her mom always takes hours, so we left her to go play around and whatnot. She saw this add on some board in the clothes isle for a My Little Pony shirt, but couldn't find it where it was supposed to be. So me and her went around yeling at people if they'd ever seen a bue, sparkly My Little Pony shirt. x3 Most of them just backed away, but it was hilarious.

Soo we went back to the bikes. I believe we made a mess, I could never figure out how to put the stupid bikes back right, so we chose two favorite bikes and rode down the same isle over and over again, almost running into eachother multiple times, and other people. [Lucky her. Those bikes were superlyduperly awesome and she got the one she wanted for christmas.] But a cranky old dirty man yanked my friend off her bike, forced her to put it back, and came back and did the same thing to me. xD We got yelled at for giggling to. We left, but I swear I could see him following us. >>

This is the funniest thing. We were in the clothes again, but this part with the underwear and stuff. xDD My friend said, "Wouldn't it be funny if we asked some grown man which thong he liked better on one of us?" I then grabbed two, held them way out to the side, and repeated the question probably too seriously. My friend just about keeled over laughing and I didn't know why, until I saw the man I had hit when he walked behind me. xDD My elbow hit him and the things were in his face, and he kind of spun around and stared at me. I said "So? Which?" rofl he actually answered pointing to the red and black one and shurgged off with snort. xP

Different day, last summer, we waved to every single person we saw pass by on our walk thing. Every single one. I think I'm permanenty damaged by all the glares and snarls I got; we live in such a grumpy place. D: Some people stopped and got really mad when we walked purposefully infront of them... some didn't stop and it's amazing how oblivious they are. xDD But this motorcycle man passed, and my friend batted her eyelashes and was all corny-flirty looking. o-o But he stopped, gave a smirk and two thumbs up but sped away anyways. xD

I have.. tons of more stories. xP I get into trouble a lot... it's a hoot though.

[Neko]

Sounds like something Animeish xD Good story.
I have some too but they are a bit to much 'you had to be there' xD

[fatgoth]

löl.
I have a funny story for all school - lovers.
Normally, teachers aren't allowed to touch pupils.


Okies. I was sitting on my chhair, doing an exercise. My teacher (A very goddarn hot man, black hair and brown eyes ... *cleans saliva from the ground* oh, sorry.) then "accidentallly" kicked my chair.
Of course, I flinch!
He: "Scared?"
I didn't understand it at first. "What did you say?"
He again: "Are you scared?"
I: "Er, yes."


God, I felt like ... I could have killed that man ... -.-

[Neko]

lmao hot teacher?
My god that too sounds kinda animeish xD
I'm totally crazy right now xD
And I love black haired men =P
Blue eyes are best but I can do brown xD
WHEEE!

[Neko]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

And finally something to keep you all really busy...

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


Happy laughing peeps I got some AMV's and funny icons that I find funny but will keep to myself unless asked. Their anime so yeah xD